Yes. No. Both.

I'm fat. I definitely have to shop in the plus-size section of brands. If they deign to make a plus-size section, that is.

Part of me wants to get skinny. My clothes shopping would be so much easier. And cheaper. I'd never worry about fitting into a roller coaster seat. That's happened to me before, and hoo boy was that embarrassing.

Maybe if I was skinny I would be more okay with pictures of myself. I'm looking at photos now of a recent trip and there's just flesh everywhere. My stomach makes itself known. Always. And my double chin. My fucking chin.

I'm getting married next year and am starting to really think about losing weight so I can be pretty!!!!!! for my wedding. Partly practical: if I'm skinnier I can pick up a sample dress on sale rather than having to order one. But maybe I just want to take pictures without my big arms? Maybe I want to look like pretty and graceful? I don't know anymore.

But then again, I get pissed with how fat people are treated. I'm mad that there aren't enough clothing options for us. I always swore that if I lost the weight I still wouldn't shop at companies that didn't make plus-size options. Screw them! They didn't want my money before, they sure as hell won't get it now! Except, again, I would want those clothes that I couldn't wear before. Gimme gimme gimme. Dammit.

No, fuck it. I am fabulous. My weight doesn't stop me from being with my friends, having fun, going to the cottage, swimming, dancing, going on adventures, traveling, etc. I went to a wedding early this year and got a new dress and I looked amazing! Even though I was fat, which we all know takes away anywhere from 3-7 points on the hotness scale.

See? It's so ingrained that fat=ugly. I should own who I am and just be fucking fabulous to everyone around me and show them that fat people are hot, too. It's a part of me. Yes, I'm fat, but I'm also creative and funny and imaginative and have amazing taste in brooches. My fatness should only be some fraction of me, like my eye colour or my knuckle clicks. But it creeps into everything I do.

I wonder what it would be like to buy knee-high boots from a regular shoe store and have them zip all the way up. Or see a cute dress on sale for $4 at Target and actually have it be even in the same time zone as my size. Or to wear a dress without having to plan on how to deal with the 'chub rub' (tights, or if too hot for tights, shorts that I think are technically shapewear but they do the trick).

Or, to buy tights without ordering them from the States. Hell, to buy anything from a store. 80% of my purchases are online, mostly from American stores, so if I don't get the sizing right, too bad. Cross-border shipping costs make returning something not worth it.

So I don't know what's worse: work out and diet and find myself skinnier or work out and diet and find nothing has changed.

Am I betraying myself if I get skinny?